Good times!

Almost a year since I last wrote here and lots of things have happened since. The most important one being the latest addition to our family - your lil brother 'Vivaan.'

It was the first time that I had ever stayed away from you for two nights. Although your grandparents were there at home to take care of you, you have let me know in no uncertain terms that this is not a done thing. So your request is to have no more babies in the family because ''a baby means mummy stays in the hospital which Ashita does not like.'' Am happy to comply with that! :)

Initially you were pretty insecure, dont get me wrong, you loved Vivaan to bits, you only had a problem if anybody else loved him too. It took a good two months before you got comfortable with the idea that Vivaan was here to stay and a little more longer to watch either me or your dad playing with him.

However, you are an absolutely brilliant sister to have. Two weeks after he was born we had to go get his buggy, so while Vivaan slept in his car seat, we were having a look around in the store. I saw you had stationed yourself next to his car seat and thought you must be getting bored, so I suggested ''why don't you check out the toys section and choose a toy for yourself?'' To which I got a prompt reply, '' Thank you but I will wait till you finish choosing a buggy because I want to make sure someone is watching over Vivaan.''

Protective to the core! Doesn't mean its all nice and sweet though coz now you both butt your heads against each other and have a typical sis-bro relationship where both of you are crying and I am screaming at the two of you! :)

These will definitely be the best years of my life I think. Physically exhausting but definitely worth it for the smiles and hugs I get. I dread the day when you both will shy away from any PDA (Public Display of Affection) from me.

If I could just hold on to this thought and cherish all the small things that make up my life, I think I shall die a content lady. Amen!

Girl Pals

Dear Ashita,

It’s a bit sad when your friends are your husband’s friends and life revolves around entertaining them. I guess you do need to cultivate your own girlfriends else you tend to be in the shadow and not particularly feeling happy about it either.

So today is Friday and I asked Shaiwal what we going to do tonight. One of his friends is leaving for India tomorrow and I thought we should probably have him over for dinner. Turns out the boys have already got their plans in and they were going to meet up tonight – minus me. Don’t blame them for that coz who would want to hang out with a woman when they could have an all-boys session. But it did sort of hit me that I am an unwanted third wheel and that wasn’t a good feeling at all.

When I went to India last December, I was quite lucky to have had a chance to meet up with a couple of my school friends. Girls whom I shared my dreams with and one in particular a best friend whom I had through 11 years of age till 19 years (a golden period for me). We went different ways when we took different routes, she – matrimony and me – higher studies and subsequently working life. It wasn’t that we were not interested in keeping in touch; it was more that we were so busy trying to fit in with our new chosen lives.

So the three of us met up for a couple of hours for lunch after 16 years and from the word go, it was as comfortable as putting on a pair of old socks. We slipped back into using the slang that we did then, pulling each other’s legs with complete disrespect for one another and easily sharing confidences without worrying about censoring personal/confidential/private bits. It was only 2 -3 hours but it was the most rejuvenating thing I did in a long long time.

When you grow up, I don’t know if the current forwards will still be doing the rounds, the ones on cultivating your women friends and what a treasure they are. If it is then heed them, if not then refer to this bit of wisdom. Meanwhile me heading off now to put you to bed and then am gonna watch this rocking mallu movie that I have wanted to for ages.

Love you lots Kutta

Daddy I love you

The opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality. Heard that in one of the TED talks recently and I completely agree with it. There is something so exhausting about being sad that it feels as if your energy is draining away. 

Tomorrow it will be a year since I lost you daddy. I stand today looking at life feeling as scared as a kid who lost hold of her fathers hand while walking in a crowd. People around me tell me that as per Hindu beliefs when a year passes by the soul then goes and merges with the Param- athma. Attaining peace and what not. I envy their beliefs and their confidence in the truth of these beliefs. 

For a year now I have been reading as much as I can about life after death, about near death experiences, about what death means both scientifically and religiously. I realise that it is mere foolishness on my part to think written texts could provide an answer to the most enigmatic philosophically question known to mankind.

The not knowing is not killing me,rather it is the sheer frustration of not having you in my life and the absolute knowledge that there is nothing I can do to remedy it.

I hope that where ever you are happy and at peace and I pray that if there is a rebirth for you then you have a better daughter than I this time. Take care daddy. I love you.

V-Day

There is a huge part of me that aspires to be the thinking intellectual being with all the right answers and then there is another part of me that loves stuff like the F**k it philosophy (didn't make it up there truly is one! Google it), dancing in the rain, eating like there is no tomorrow and laughing for no rhyme or reason.

Now the aspiring part tends to be the bah humbug one which tells me that life has no meaning unless you get a mention in history, prods me on about spirituality, taunts me on my lack of ambition at workplace, tends to look down on stuff like partying and useless days like v-day.

The other part which was the prominent one during my growing years likes to, at the drop of a hat whip out cards and gifts that would put Santa to shame !!

I sort of look at the aspiring part as the adult in me and the other one as the child in me. Over the years I notice the child in me shrinking and the adult in me growing taller. Finally perhaps achieving the ever coveted maturity in thought and action. But then I normally get my oops moments like when I tore a check of 28K as I was supposed to hand it over for at the UK consulate for my visa submission OOPS! Or like the time I booked my dad for a flight to Delhi on the date he needed but wrong month OOPS! Or like the time I change my married name to marital name after getting the birth certificate done for my child ...gives the impression of child birth outside wedlock OOPS!

Well lots of stories there and not ones I relish recounting but the fact is these moments just emphasise to me that the maturity I think I have is probably an illusion or that maturity doesn't mean you stop making mistakes. Hmmm....haven't totally figured that one !

Anyways so the adult part looks at days like valentines days and registers hallmarks marketing strategies and is sarcastic and cynical to the thought of expressing love on just one day of a year and hello what does it mean? The child part thinks F**k it (you really should read the book on this philosophy) why not just gift my hubby and make him feel special after all any excuse to be happy is a good excuse !!!

Which is why I am now sitting and hitting the stores through the online world and trying to figure out what he needs leading to my next issue. Gifting used to be easier when you were younger coz -

A. You were overconfident and just "knew" that the gift you were giving was just the right thing and totally oblivious of the pained expression on the receiver's face

B. You typically never thought of spending too much anyways so things were more affordable

C. You didn't have to agonise too much over choices coz the person you were gifting was more likely your age group and like you didn't have too many fancy things anyways.

Things changed coz from overconfident I have now shifted to being a person with a higher emotional IQ ( read I now recognise the pained expression for what it is ). I don't gift a whole lot of people coz I realise it sometimes is misconstrued as me hitting on someone or me flaunting money ! ( I thought marriage meant you were at least cleared of suspicion of romantic feelings for anyone other than spouse! Another OOPS!)

Last but not least although my hubby is probably one of the least fussy people I know, he would like to be gifted something that is useful. I guess that's a minimal expectation to have. But after all the wallets, belts, bags, apparel and techy gizmos I have gifted I find I have exhausted my imagination. Not my love though, so the hunt is on and while I still do sort of look down on v day I love having the excuse to make him feel special. So dear child in me if I don't get a good gift this year u definitely will be wrangle you but otherwise good job!!

Ek Akela is shahar mein

एक अकेला इस शहर में, रात में और दोपहर में
आबोदाना ढूँढता है, आशियाना ढूँढता हैं

दिन खाली खाली बर्तन है, और रात हैं जैसे अंधा कुवां
इन सूनी अंधेरी आखों में, आँसू की जगह आता हैं धुंआ
जीने की वजह तो कोइ नहीं, मरने का बहाना ढूँढता है

इन उम्र से लंबी सडकों को, मंजिल पे पहुचते देखा नहीं
बस दौड़ती, फिरती रहती है, हम ने तो ठहरते देखा नहीं
इस अजनबी से शहर में, जाना पहचाना ढूँढता है

Gulzar's lyrics in this song from Gharonda, one of my personal favorites. This is one of the songs that your father and I sing to you while we put you to bed and you are nodding off.

If you have to understand the sterility of city life and hollowness of missing emotions then this song reaches out and pulls at your heart. Solo existence is often a freeing experience and one that every individual should go through. I think it helps discover yourself. Solo existence also means being bereft of your family.

Family is not just your father, mother or siblings. Family is also your relatives - the aunt who feeds you every time you meet her, the uncle who is stingy with money but not with the lectures he gives, the grandparent who is forever hugging you, the annoying braggart of cousins………

My life with family meant, each time I stepped out of home, it was with the knowledge that atleast 4 different people would note my goings and report back to my parents, with their very own touch of masala to it. There were family feuds to talk of, elopings that had happened and were always discussed in hushed voices, financial status comparisons and what not. To sum it off I lived a typical indian family life. As would any teenager feel, I used to be bored out of my mind and totally unable to comprehend why the hell my esteemed neigbour couldn’t stop bloody well poking her nose into my affairs!!

So escape in the form of higher studies in a bigger city came as a bliss. I remember the initial days of freedom and the sense of importance and acheivement I carried with me. Small things like stocking food for the week or paying rent for my paying guest accomodation were all victories for they were small steps into the adult world. Finding my way around Chennai (a part of the city itself was atleast 5 times bigger than Thrissur town) and learning a new language were all challenges I was more than happy to take up.

Education completed, I stayed on for employment. The days continued to be good. Slowly, and this phase creeps up to you without your knowledge, came a phase when my friends started getting transferred to different locations and I remained behind. New friends came but they werent as close as the ones that had gone far. Promises to 'be in touch constantly and never be but a thought away' were good to hear, fantastic on paper and seldom easy to implement. Time seemed to start moving slower and slower.

Go to work, get back home, spend time with friends and still the night seemed long…..Despite the mad hectic schedules of work there seemed to be time on my hands and a sense of something missing……... I was missing my family. A home to come back to as opposed to an empty flat.

The thing with life is that, you start off living life for your family, somewhere during your school days friends become the family you choose for yourself, this continues on to your college days……when you start stepping into your days as a working individual the equations start changing slightly……this is when you find friends tend to start their own family. Quite rightly, they are investing a lot of their emotions, time and space in their new family life and as a consequence has very little time for you now.

This is where I salute Gulzar for capturing the emotions each of us would have felt at some point or the other in the most appropriate manner. Days are like emtpy vessels and the night a blind well………wah!

The best of the lot, I have never witnessed these longer than age roads reaching their destinations…..!  Too true! There is so much to do in life, be it duties to fulfill or pleasures to experience and never will I be able to finish doing it all. The important part is to not loose sight of the journey itself in my haste to reach at a destination that I probably never will.

Onam 2013

Dear Ashita

There is a lot to be said about life abroad, the level of hygiene, the security, the work life balance, the weather, the discipline (especially in maintaining a queue), the ingrained politeness in each individual you come across and I guess many more things. For the most part, every Indian I think would add financial returns on the top of that list and probably a few more items at the bottom and middle of it. Come a festival though, suddenly the heart yearns to be at home. Notice that abroad is never mentioned as home. We may become US citizens, British passport holders and what not for the benefits they give us but I think the heart still wears the colours of your home country's flag.

Today is Onam, its a festival that every Malayalee celebrates. Its a time to be happy and celebrate. India has its roots in agriculture and villages and so sources of celebration normally comes either with the start of sowing seeds or at the time of harvesting your crop and of course anytime in between when we want to appease the gods for rain, more sun, etc to ensure our crops are healthy and safe from any dangers. To this simple explanation, we normally add the colour of religion and mythology for our amusement.

Being in India would mean your house would have a pookkalam or floral design made freshly every day for 10 days, it would mean new clothes and good food, it would mean your elders sharing stories of how onam was in their days, it would mean malayalee’s who are outside Kerala all trying to reach home in Kerala in time for the celebrations and cousins, uncles, aunts all getting together. Aside from this there would be celebrations in the city and the hum in the air of something special happening. All sound good? It would also mean rains, wet dresses, mud, thronging at the temple to see God, humidity, gastric issues from over eating and a lot of TV watching and movies. There are a lot of things that may not be good in this which I probably am not able to articulate here coz when sitting afar the mind recollects festivals at home, the heart tends to soften the hard/harsh elements in it.

I am quite conscious, that within the sterility of living abroad, you not miss out on the messy, fun, emotional Indian festival experience. So yesterday I took you to an onam get together here in Edinburgh at a rented Town Hall space where there was onam sadhya (feast), live ganamela (music), bharatnatyam (dance form) performance and thiruvathira kali (a dance form associated with onam). The organisers were friends and they did a marvellous job. With music the emotions and the experience came live, with the dance forms the eyes feasted and the food spoke to my soul.

You had your first experience with Matta rice ( commonly called Mota Chawal or Kerala rice), I am glad to say the malayalee in you rose to the occasion and you enjoyed the rice, aivyal, cheru pazham (small banana) and banana chips. Sleep kept beckoning to you coz it was nap time but you couldn’t bear to miss out on the entertainment. The vivid colours and the music seemed to keep you entranced. In my heart I wished with all my might that you grow up to enjoy this culture as much as I do, not be bound to it but to understand it and open your heart to it. I wish and pray that you take a liking for dance and music and learn it for I believe these are essential parts of a culture that bring you closer to it.

I hope as the years pass, you understand that with culture comes an understanding of human mind, emotions and reactions. We, humans, are all I believe essentially the same, some good some evil, but depending on how we have been brought up, the culture we are in, we tend to react differently to situations, we interpret situations differently and we display our emotions differently. I think a truly learned person is one who is able to acknowledge that, not just in words but also with the awareness of what different cultures are and mean. That’s a tall order though and I hope when you grow up you will be grateful for the advantage you have from having parents coming from 2 different cultures.

Happy Onam my darling, I look forward to see how you will embrace this festival and my thoughts here in the years to come. And I will also make a promise that while I cherish you and have dreams for you, I will not thrust them onto you.

Relationships

Relationships are never easy. At the best of times, you end up feeling happy and at a level where you understand the other person. At the worst of times, you feel angry, teary and betrayed. For me I think the key is being understood and being able to understand. Sounds easy? Well it isn't. Let me demonstrate -

When I was 16, TVS scooty was launched, a two wheeler that looked snazzy and was miles ahead of the earlier moped version. It was meant for young females, teenagers basically and was a revolution at the time. In easier terms, at that point in Thrissur, there was a sprinkling of women and girls who were brave enough to drive it and they were the 'HEP - in crowd' people of the time. I remember looking at these 'Hep-ers' with amazement for the concept of riding a two wheeler was scary. Accidents on a 2 wheeler looked more gruesome than the ones on a 4-wheeler.

My father, probably sensed my wariness and admiration for the scooty and offered me a challenge. If I were to learn how to drive it and get a license then he would buy me a scooty. So although I was petrified, the shiny scooty in the showroom seemed to beckon me, the shiny scooty that my friends had seemed to mock me and worst of all the scooty ads on the TV all seemed to be directed at me.

So I mustered up my courage, learnt how to drive it and got my license. 'TA _ DAHHHH!!!' Totally proud of my achievement I waited patiently for my dad to come from Dubai on his vacation and buy me a scooty. Sound simple?

Well it wasn't! The twist was that my dad got cold feet and he went back on his words; he was worried about me having an accident and as a loving father he couldn't bear the thought. Ironical that my dad ended up with the worry that I started off with.

As a parent, I can now appreciate what he meant to do then. All parents go through, this juggle between letting your child make his/her own mistakes, allowing them to grow as an individual and letting go of the protectiveness that wells inside you every time you see your child trip, fall or otherwise get into a bad situation. The balance is fine and I would be lying if I say that its an easy enough line to walk.

As a teenager, I fully hated my dad for going back on his words, it didn't make sense that the person whom you trust implicitly breaks your trust and the explanation didn't pass muster either.

Anyways the long and short was, the episode ended in tears, wails and sense of total let down. My tenacity to not let go meant I did get my scooty but one year after it was promised. My dad felt hurt for he felt I didn't understand his concern (as if I would!!! after all there was a scooty in question you know!)

So as I said relationships are never easy.