My Dad - Part II

Dear Ashi, continuing from where I left off last time, let me cut to the chase. My dad’s not well and hasn’t been for several months now. I won’t go into the medical reasons of his condition but I do want to share with you the anguish I feel right now.

Its difficult to watch the body being eaten away by disease and that is precisely what it does. From the booming voice and laughter that characterizes my dad I now have to see a frail person with no energy to speak. His cheeks have sunk in and his eyes keep fluttering in and out of consciousness. Doctors assure me that this is just a temporary phase and that things will improve. This phase though however temporary is quite painful, to watch yes but much more so to undergo. His arms have blood clots from poked it with so many needles so many times, he isn’t able to swallow as the skin in his mouth has peeled away leaving traces of blood……..

My dad is 69 and by today’s standards that’s not old yet. I know we can expect a full recovery although it will take time to reach that. Logically all the facts and the doctor’s statements tally but emotionally every minute I am with him I just feel like breaking down and crying.  I keep searching in my mind what could be the reasons for this situation but frankly speaking there is no one thing I can point my finger at. Where logic fails reasoning goes out of the window and faith starts to make its way in, for me faith is what gives me strength to face circumstances. So increasingly I turn to god.

I have been now with my dad for 3 weeks and I haven’t yet had a good talk with him because the times he is lucid is few and far between. I guess one thing that is mostly true for all daughters is that we are daddy’s pet and when the chips fall its our dad’s who normally give us a good heart to heart and let us know that things will be okay. It is also our dad’s who make us feel protected and secure the most. I am sure you will be no different my dear and blessed are you for having that cherished relationship.

Before I finish off I want to share one last thing. You are now 16 months old and yet to start speaking, you babble words now but you do understand most of what we speak. Every day you accompany me to the hospital. Every day you bring the light back into your grandfather’s eyes with your antics. Sometimes you give him a handshake, sometimes a smile, sometimes a flying kiss and sometimes just a touch of your cheek and with each interaction with you he brightens up which lifts my heart. Your presence motivates him and for that I am grateful. Thank you my darling.

My Dad

My dear daughter, you are much too young now to understand what I have to say and what I am going through. Unfortunately, I know that you will in the future be in the same place and perhaps then when you read this blog of mine it will make sense to you.

Every child’s hero is his/her dad and I am no exception. I am not blind to my dad’s faults and there are very many at that but I know objectively when I look at him there is respect and a sort of reverence that he commands. It comes from him being a self made man. A term quite exhaustively used in this day and age so let me qualify that. My dad, the eldest son of a young widow has seen life’s ups and downs from a young age. His father’s death quite literally plunged the family into debt and hard times. Difficult to meet ends nonetheless my granny had high hopes for her eldest, despite all hardships she made sure he finished his college education. These were times when value of education hadn’t quite caught up and people in mallu land were going to other states and countries seeking a livelihood after completing their matriculation (10^th standard). Well my granny made sure he completed his graduation and the day he got the degree in hand he was on the evening train to Mumbai to try and get a job. At the age of 21 he reached Mumbai with scant knowledge of Hindi and little or no grasp of verbal English. However through sheer desperation and perseverance he got a job in Bank of India. During the next 11 years he rose to the rank of Foreign exchange manager and he along the way accumulated degrees in law, human resources, finance, etc through evening college. Although he could have rested on his laurels and led a comfortable life thereon, he was still spurred to make money and reach more heights career-wise. With a wife and a 2 yr old son in tow, he decided to risk it all by quitting his job at the bank and catching the next flight to Dubai. People around him declared him mad to be running after what was akin to the Gold Rush. My granny being foremost! Well the rest is a story for another day.

Right now you are sitting on my knee and refusing to allow me to continue this blog. I don’t want you to cry my baby so I will stop for now and come back to this story when you are asleep.

Love you my daughter. Just remember that there are hard truths in life and I would rather you be aware of them than be sheltered from them.  So when there are times when you find me being strict or hard please know that it is with a heavy heart I am being so.

Nursery days

My dearest daughter I have joined office and I miss you every single moment of sitting at office. Well, let me start at the beginning.

       Every day we wake up by around 6 AM and i must say that invariably you wake your parents rather than the other way around. I am also releived and feel blessed that you are a happy person, something I freely admit that I am not. Me I wake up grumpy as a bear, YOU, you wake up singing like the robin.

       Anyways, after a mad dash to get breakfast ready, you fed, bather and clothed and then the same for me. I hand you over to your dad and say good bye to make my way to my office. Some days you wave me off with a smile and I go with just a faint pull on my heart. I keep leaning at the stairs to catch that last glimpse of your smiling face. Sometimes you give me a frown when I say bye and I dash down the stairs so that you dont see me crying and then end up wiping my tears all the way to the bus stop.

      All through my bus ride and then the 15 min walk to office I start to compose myself for the day ahead at work. I reach office and your dad normally gives me a call within 10 mins to say he's dropped you off at the nursery and you went smiling to your favourite staff there whose name is Noreen.

       Noreen by the way is the only Asian member of staff at your nursery and I wonder if you like her perhaps because she reminds you of me. Anyways, I feel so happy to hear you went smiling at the nursery and a part of me gets a bit jealous that someone else is enjoying your smiles and hugs during the day.

      As soon as I finish work I start running. My office is at the bottom of a very steeply inclined street. Walking up in a monstrous task by the end of which my legs are straining. Sure enough your dad calls and checks where I am and agrees to meet me half way so that I may have the pleasure of picking you up from your nursery. Your dad could actually be there before me since his office is closer but I do make him wait for me because I want to be the one who gets to whoop you around as you get picked from the nursery.

      The two of us together run to your nursery and while your dad sets up the pram, I tip toe into your nursery room and for a minute just stand there looking at you. Normally I find you sitting on someone's knee, playing a game or crawling up and down. You are also quite tired from all the play by the time I come to pick you. After a moment I call to you and as soon as you see me you put out your arms to be picked by me and give a small wail. I rush to comply and when I have you in my arms and have hugged you and showered you with my kisses, you quieten down and just gurgle happily at the rest of the kids in the nursery.

       The staff then normally gives me a daily information  sheet which tells me what you ate during the day, how much milk you drank, what activities you did during the day (bubbles, treasure basket, swing, went for a walk, songs, nursery rhymes, etc), how many times your nappy was changed and how many times did you nap and for how long.

        After that we do a quick good bye and I get you to your waiting dad and pram. You are happy to see dad but not to be seated in the pram. Its always a tussle trying to buckle you into your pram and I bribe you with baby organic biscuits to keep you happy and rush you home.

        At home, we drop everything and just sit and play with you. Gone are those days when tea was the first thing on the itinerary after work and at home. Just sitting with you , seeing you smile and tyring to talk your language.......bliss it is.

        You go to bed by 8 PM every night, invariably your dad sleeps off with you listening to my lullabies and I fall asleep looking at the two sleeping faces beside me. Good night my princess.

My Baby

There have been quite a few times in the recent months when I have thought about posting on my blog. Yet each time I never followed up the thought with action since I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say and how.

Today though after months of hibernation I finally realized that all I want to talk about is my daughter and whom I want to say it all to - is my daughter. Perhaps years later when my daughter reads this blog and its posts she may identify with me not as a mummy but as a woman and how I felt during different times. So, here goes -

Ashita, you are now a few days to go to be a 9 month old and you are truly the apple of my eye. Every time someone stops me on the street to gush over you m chest swells up with pride. Every time you smile sheepishly after I have scolded you, its as if someone reached in and squeezed my heart. J

These days you are trying to balance yourself on your legs and although I do adore your attempts, I must admit I am not too happy when you attempt it while bathing!! Your table manners have much to be desired, since you invariably end up spitting most of it once your tummy is full.

You know what, It’s been more than a year since I last went to work. A year when I have blissfully wallowed in pregnancy and then motherhood. So it was with mixed emotions that I received the news that I cracked a job interview and got an offer. I am to join work in a month’s time.

That is the reason I hug you tighter and hold you longer these days. That is also the reason why we are visiting nurseries these days, which has other kids your age and which I am evaluating. Although to be truthful every nursery we have been to so far you seem to be enjoying the experience. I have a feeling that when the time comes for you to be put into day care one of us will be wailing our heart out and its not going to be you.

Love you, my baby.