Dear
Ashi, the darkest hour of my life to date has passed and as I strive for the
mental strength to stop reeling from the impact of it, I feel lost and
confused. I am essentially a very private person when it comes to sorrow for my
first reaction is to curl up into a ball and shut out the world. So the only
reason I am writing this is for you.
I walk around completely normal, engage in conversations,
laughter and work and play as if nothing has happened and every other moment it
hits me that my father is no more. As if in the musical chairs of life, my
father got out in the last round, the music has started up again and I am going
through the motions but I am searching for him and I can’t find him.
In life
there are many relationships that you will form and each will have its own
importance. The closeness or the joy you get from that relationship is up to
yourself and the other person but when you lose that relationship there will be
a void in life. For no one person can replace another. Be it friends, be it
grandparents, be it siblings, be it whomever you come across.
Difficult
for me to write about this phase in my life but I want you to know that you are
a huge relief! Whenever I cry you get alarmed and come and hug me. A sense of
wonderment fills me when I think how such a small child can reach out and
console. You push me to be normal for two reasons, one I don’t want to worry
you and have you in tears and two because that makes me realise that neither
would my daddy have wanted me to be in tears.
It hurts and it hurts badly. Every time that I think of
the time I have on this earth and without his hands to guide me through it.
Every time that I start wondering how he is and what life is after death. Every
time that I think daddy wasn’t ready to say good bye and neither were we and never
would we have been ready. Every time that I realise that I won’t hear his voice
again or have his hug. Every time that I think that you will never get to know
my dad. Every time……every minute….every hour…..
I feel
angry and there are times when I just want to lash out. Times when I feel as if
my head is ready to burst because I can’t figure out emotionally why my father
was taken away from me. Times when I think sanity will need to bow to my trauma
and if there is a way to take this gnawing wound away then show it to me GOD!!!
Your
father has been my shining light through it all with his patience and
understanding. I don’t know if I could be like that if the roles were reversed
but he helps so much by not asking by not prodding but by just silently holding
my hand through this difficult time.
I just want to tell you my dear daughter that I am sorry
but there will be a time when I will be gone, not because I wanted to but
because I had to. I know you will go through these same emotions but I hope you
will show better mental strength than I have and always realise whether I am
with you or not, the times we spent together, the love and laughter we have
shared, the life we have experienced together can never be taken away.
