Phoenix

Dear Ashi, the darkest hour of my life to date has passed and as I strive for the mental strength to stop reeling from the impact of it, I feel lost and confused. I am essentially a very private person when it comes to sorrow for my first reaction is to curl up into a ball and shut out the world. So the only reason I am writing this is for you.

I walk around completely normal, engage in conversations, laughter and work and play as if nothing has happened and every other moment it hits me that my father is no more. As if in the musical chairs of life, my father got out in the last round, the music has started up again and I am going through the motions but I am searching for him and I can’t find him.

In life there are many relationships that you will form and each will have its own importance. The closeness or the joy you get from that relationship is up to yourself and the other person but when you lose that relationship there will be a void in life. For no one person can replace another. Be it friends, be it grandparents, be it siblings, be it whomever you come across.

Difficult for me to write about this phase in my life but I want you to know that you are a huge relief! Whenever I cry you get alarmed and come and hug me. A sense of wonderment fills me when I think how such a small child can reach out and console. You push me to be normal for two reasons, one I don’t want to worry you and have you in tears and two because that makes me realise that neither would my daddy have wanted me to be in tears.

It hurts and it hurts badly. Every time that I think of the time I have on this earth and without his hands to guide me through it. Every time that I start wondering how he is and what life is after death. Every time that I think daddy wasn’t ready to say good bye and neither were we and never would we have been ready. Every time that I realise that I won’t hear his voice again or have his hug. Every time that I think that you will never get to know my dad. Every time……every minute….every hour…..

I feel angry and there are times when I just want to lash out. Times when I feel as if my head is ready to burst because I can’t figure out emotionally why my father was taken away from me. Times when I think sanity will need to bow to my trauma and if there is a way to take this gnawing wound away then show it to me GOD!!!

Your father has been my shining light through it all with his patience and understanding. I don’t know if I could be like that if the roles were reversed but he helps so much by not asking by not prodding but by just silently holding my hand through this difficult time.

I just want to tell you my dear daughter that I am sorry but there will be a time when I will be gone, not because I wanted to but because I had to. I know you will go through these same emotions but I hope you will show better mental strength than I have and always realise whether I am with you or not, the times we spent together, the love and laughter we have shared, the life we have experienced together can never be taken away.