My Angel

I don’t suppose anyone is going to be the least interested in this blog update of mine. However, I wanted to jot this down before time entirely dims out this particular remembrance of mine.

Before I embarked on my 9 month journey and indeed many a time during the journey itself, I had enquired to quite a few members of my sex about the actual labor process. It quite irritated me then that I got vague responses, felt as if there was a conspiracy. What astounded me then was that how come all the women participated in this conspiracy, irrespective of age, caste, creed or financial position? What unseen power bound these women to secrecy?

Now that I myself have been through labor, I finally can say that tomorrow if anyone were to ask me about it, I would perhaps give the same vague answers that I was recipient of earlier.

Okay let me go through this step by step rather than jumping the gun, shall I? I had a c-section done and while I am definitely not going into the intricacies of it, I would like to say that before this one instance, a tetanus injection was the most painful interaction I had had with respect to hospitals and allopathic healing methods. Being wheeled into the labor room on the fateful day, brought to my mind all those movies where the bulb placed above the words ‘OPERATION THEATRE’ would ominously light up with dramatic background music. While on the operation table itself, I had the misfortune of looking up and finding the proverbial huge light placed right above. Hmm…..well it wasn’t the best of situations to be in and the nurses and docs all donned in green overalls with their face masks on weren’t helping to lighten the atmosphere other.

The two low points of the entire situation was one while I was being given anesthesia and two when the affects of anesthesia had worn off.  To have someone poke you with a needle somewhere along your spine is definitely not my cup of tea. Once the anesthesia had worn off and I started feeling the aftermath of c-section, I recall thinking to myself that I could happily murder all those women who chose not to warn me of what actually happens. It’s definitely not a joy ride then and I was wondering to myself why women voluntarily embark on it anyways!!!

However, I also, vividly recall the moment my bundle of joy appeared and my first view of her.  Every passing moment thereafter, I have looked into her sleeping face and felt indescribable tender vulnerable feelings.

The memory of labor itself is fading into the background, instead time now seems to have started from the moment she was born and not anytime before. My 9 months of pregnancy seems to be a thing from the distant past and my angel, my only reality of my present and future.

My apologies to all those women who are yet to embark on this journey and may at some point in future come to me to enquire about it. It is not my wish to hide what happens but rather the clichéd sentiment that once I saw my baby I forgot everything else that will make me give you vague answers.

Friends are the relatives you choose for yourself

As is the case of many a malayalee family, my initial growing years were in Dubai. Sometimes I think of that place as a district within the state of Kerala. For all that we mallu’s have friends and family there.

India was a place we visited for two months every year; a place where my father and mother yearned to be but due to economic constraints had chosen not to stay in. Every year during school vacations we would land in my father’s house for a month and my mother’s house for another month. In each of these places my brother and I would be paraded amongst relatives who would collect around and ooh and aah on how much we have grown since the last time. Once the oohs and aahs would quiet down, then the game on ‘do you remember me?’ would start.  My mother’s family was easier to satisfy as they stayed in the town and hence not too nearby so it wasn’t a daily parade and also they were less fertile, hence not too many cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. My dad’s family was another case altogether. His family stayed in the village so all of them had houses that were literally in each other’s pocket and each house had at least 7-8 children to boast of.

They were all nice people, however, every time I would start getting comfortable it would be time to return. So although they were my relatives I felt like a stranger amidst them; people whom I had to be on my best behavior with.

On the other hand in Dubai my father had this group of friends; all malayalee’s who would meet every Friday at one person’s house or the other. The gents would discuss their week at work, their dreams of the future and of course get tipsy. Their wife’s’ would all get together and gossip about how gold prices were going higher and how in the marriage market dowry demands were increasing. The children would be creating a racket and trying to break whatever valuables were available and within hand’s reach. There were about 10 families altogether and since we met every week we were quite familiar with each other. These were people who had seen me at my worst and I them.

Human nature rarely remains hidden after such extended exposure so I had the entire gamut, jealous aunts, comic uncles, generous ones, stingy ones, popular ones and the unpopular ones. I didn’t realize it then but as I grew up it felt more as if they were family than my actual relatives. When I got married, aside from my parents there were two uncle’s and their wife’s whose feet I touched for in my mind they were not lesser than a chacha/ cheriyachan or cheriyamma/ mausi.

One of the uncle’s in that group, a person whom I have deep regard for, passed away unexpectedly last week. He was 60 years and it was a heart attack. Hale and hearty one day and gone the next. I had met him a month back when he and his wife had come to give me some home made sweets and savories. A simple person who was always there in my childhood, someone whom I hadn’t had deep conversations with but nevertheless had always sought out for his soothing presence. I deeply mourn his death and pray for strength for his family.

Perhaps blood is thicker than water but i feel relations are deeper and richer for the emotional investment you have put into them. 

Vishu Aashumsagal.

I remember writing about vishu in UK last year and its already been a year since then…..i must say time has flown in between. Anyways this year vishu with my parents and brother has started off awesome. After all the house cleaning and cooking, my mum and I are finally sitting down. Before I hand myself over to the long list of new movies that are being screened on TV today I thought I would update my blog.

Wish each of you readers (not that there are very many :) ) a very happy vishu. I hope the coming year finds you in good cheer, prosperity and joy.

I did manage to get a triple XL size salwar khameez for myself so I have new clothes to wear too. I had seriously lost hope of finding anything new when I went shopping but mother fortune smiles on the persistent ones. :)

I am not sure what the rest of my mallu brothers and sisters are doing but I plan on LAZING…..not that I had strenuous  times these past few months. There is something about good food and new movies that means that you laze in front of the TV. :)

Have a great year ahead friends. 

Mummy-to-be Musings

One of the things I keep thinking about these days is that, I am not exactly brimming with maternal feelings. Wait, I don’t suppose I am making any sense, am I?

A little bit of background I guess would be good. Well, to begin with, my exposure to kids of all ages have been quite limited. Not too many younger cousins and even when they were really young I was satisfied doing baby talk and making baby faces from a distance. As long as the kid was in the arms of its mom or someone elder I was happy to try and make brief contact. I like kids who are a bit older and have a lot of questions to ask but the ones who are yet to come out of the alien-speak stage, well…..as the saying goes…..distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder.

Getting educated, getting a job, getting married and then having kids….the prescribed path for all Indian women and since I am no rebel I am sticking to that path myself. So, I have ticked off the first three on the list and am well on my way to tick off the next item.

The only thing is having lived 30 odd years of a selfish life where I have had primarily to take care of myself alone, I am now entering a stage where every one around me seems to think that just by virtue of being a mom I will of course be the best person to know exactly how to care for my baby. Hmmm…..that’s HUGE.

So, there is this tiny little life growing inside me, kicking me ever so often who will suddenly pop out one day and turn my life upside down. Through it all I am supposed to be some Midwife who from day 1 not only knows how to change diapers and bathe the baby but also by the way the tiny life breathes is able to identify if something is not quite right internally!! Half the time I read about women who enter into motherhood with peace and calm, before the baby comes out they hug their tummies to themselves and sing lullaby’s to the baby. Whereas I keep wondering about mundane stuff like, what can I eat next? If I manage to pop one more pillow behind me, can I lie on my back? Will my tummy keep stretching or will it burst at one point? And last but not least I tell my child – ‘buddy you keep hitting me now but I reckon there will be a day for payback, so watch it!!’ I don't suppose i would qualify for those mothercare ad's, would I? 

Hmmm….. so where are all those maternal feelings I am supposed to be bombarded with right now? 

Envy

That’s not an emotion I like to entertain but then there has been one friend of mine whom I have been envious of for quite a few years now. Its been a standing emotion as pertains to my feelings towards him and its never gone away.

We were batch-mates for degree, studying three years in the same college, part of the same extended group that hung out together. After degree, as commonly happens, our group went different ways in search of our own places in society. My search took me to Chennai to do my MBA and subsequently pursue my career there. His search took him to Coimbatore which is only 3 hours from my home town Thrissur, where he completed his MBA as well. The only difference was that he chose to get a job which posted him back to our home town. Our common group of friends, including myself, felt it was not a good career move that he had decided on. Don’t get me wrong, I love Thrissur, its my home town and I appreciate it for a lot of things. Career prospects, however, is not amongst the many things I like Thrissur for.

While the rest of us were experiencing new adventures of striking out on our own, molding our personalities to incorporate city sophistication and learning the power of earning (read spending) salaries on stuff you don’t get to do or buy in Thrissur, he was still back at home and we felt missing out on life.

How naïve we tend to be? Once the metro glamour started wearing thin and rose spectacles started to come off, we started to notice smaller things. The unavailability of home cooked food, no mum to take care of you when you fell sick, working much longer hours, body starting to complain about the abuse it was being subjected to, long travels on a daily basis just to reach place of work………Despite all these things nagging me, I still managed to convince myself that I did have the best deal yet. After all who was earning more? I wasn’t sure if I was, actually, however, since I was in a metro and he in a B/C city I felt logically it had to be me. Gloom befell me, when I started thinking in terms of savings and not earnings. My superiority complex soon translated itself into the reverse.

Self realization is not all that it’s cut out to be. Perhaps my experiences and the exposures I have been lucky to have are an asset which I can’t express in any physical countable terms but somehow when I compare my lifestyle to his, I sometimes feel that I wouldn’t mind trading in those things for the simple yet wholesome life he is leading today.

I recently phoned him up to say I was in town and to check how he is doing. Quite busy these days, since he is on the organizing committee for an all Kerala cricket tournament to be held in Thrissur next month. He did share with me two personal philosophies of life –

1. He refuses to get anxious about career growth, do your work well within the office hours and leave office tensions at workplace…….. 

2. Be involved in sports, it keeps your mind and body young so much so that your attitude towards life remains young as well.

Simple philosophies and yet leads to a much happier life I think. 

Quite a lot has passed since I last blogged….. some good some really good

First of all I would like to announce my state of pregnancy J which is why I am in Kerala right now. I will be here till after my delivery which is to be in June.

My sister-in-law’s wedding took place in November and we had a good function and everyone who attended was full of praises. Although I wasn’t one of the proud parents, at the end of the function I felt quite drained from all the tension of ensuring everyone was taken care of, details were not missed and customs were followed properly and on time. Gosh, I can now hazard a guess on how harried parents feel when they get their off-springs married off.  Don’t get me wrong here, I do enjoy Indian weddings and all the customs but sometimes I wonder if a simple affair in a holy place followed by a party for all relatives and friends would be more to my taste. Anyways, my sister in law is now happily married and I am glad to hear from her calls how well she has settled into her new home. :) Gosh I sound so old don’t I?

Of course then came the down part of my pregnancy, in my first trimester I had very bad bouts of morning sickness. The temperature was running at a freezing minus 10 degrees and there were days when we were snowed in and quite stranded at home. I felt miserable during that time and I badly wanted my mummy. Not at all grown up am I? Anyways luckily for me my in laws had travelled back with us to the UK and my mother in law tried different recipes to entice me to have something. We didn’t want the delivery to be in UK so I planned to come down ahead in time and returned back to Kerala.

I guess the cold weather was aggravating my morning sickness which tended to not have the decency to restrict itself to only mornings! Anyways once I was back home I started feeling right as rain.

Everyone talks of the pregnancy glow and how beautiful mothers-to-be look. I have yet to evidence that, I lost all sense of grace, sophistication and beauty during my first trimester. There is something about vomiting, hogging food, burping and farting that leaves a lot to be desired for. The one good thing though is you don’t feel guilty over your expanding waistline and your tendency to cut short conversations to head towards the kitchen. :)

To my delight a lot of my friends are in the same state as I am and share my due month of June, so its phone calls to exchange notes on gynaec visits. So that’s how my days go now. :)