Ek Akela is shahar mein

एक अकेला इस शहर में, रात में और दोपहर में
आबोदाना ढूँढता है, आशियाना ढूँढता हैं

दिन खाली खाली बर्तन है, और रात हैं जैसे अंधा कुवां
इन सूनी अंधेरी आखों में, आँसू की जगह आता हैं धुंआ
जीने की वजह तो कोइ नहीं, मरने का बहाना ढूँढता है

इन उम्र से लंबी सडकों को, मंजिल पे पहुचते देखा नहीं
बस दौड़ती, फिरती रहती है, हम ने तो ठहरते देखा नहीं
इस अजनबी से शहर में, जाना पहचाना ढूँढता है

Gulzar's lyrics in this song from Gharonda, one of my personal favorites. This is one of the songs that your father and I sing to you while we put you to bed and you are nodding off.

If you have to understand the sterility of city life and hollowness of missing emotions then this song reaches out and pulls at your heart. Solo existence is often a freeing experience and one that every individual should go through. I think it helps discover yourself. Solo existence also means being bereft of your family.

Family is not just your father, mother or siblings. Family is also your relatives - the aunt who feeds you every time you meet her, the uncle who is stingy with money but not with the lectures he gives, the grandparent who is forever hugging you, the annoying braggart of cousins………

My life with family meant, each time I stepped out of home, it was with the knowledge that atleast 4 different people would note my goings and report back to my parents, with their very own touch of masala to it. There were family feuds to talk of, elopings that had happened and were always discussed in hushed voices, financial status comparisons and what not. To sum it off I lived a typical indian family life. As would any teenager feel, I used to be bored out of my mind and totally unable to comprehend why the hell my esteemed neigbour couldn’t stop bloody well poking her nose into my affairs!!

So escape in the form of higher studies in a bigger city came as a bliss. I remember the initial days of freedom and the sense of importance and acheivement I carried with me. Small things like stocking food for the week or paying rent for my paying guest accomodation were all victories for they were small steps into the adult world. Finding my way around Chennai (a part of the city itself was atleast 5 times bigger than Thrissur town) and learning a new language were all challenges I was more than happy to take up.

Education completed, I stayed on for employment. The days continued to be good. Slowly, and this phase creeps up to you without your knowledge, came a phase when my friends started getting transferred to different locations and I remained behind. New friends came but they werent as close as the ones that had gone far. Promises to 'be in touch constantly and never be but a thought away' were good to hear, fantastic on paper and seldom easy to implement. Time seemed to start moving slower and slower.

Go to work, get back home, spend time with friends and still the night seemed long…..Despite the mad hectic schedules of work there seemed to be time on my hands and a sense of something missing……... I was missing my family. A home to come back to as opposed to an empty flat.

The thing with life is that, you start off living life for your family, somewhere during your school days friends become the family you choose for yourself, this continues on to your college days……when you start stepping into your days as a working individual the equations start changing slightly……this is when you find friends tend to start their own family. Quite rightly, they are investing a lot of their emotions, time and space in their new family life and as a consequence has very little time for you now.

This is where I salute Gulzar for capturing the emotions each of us would have felt at some point or the other in the most appropriate manner. Days are like emtpy vessels and the night a blind well………wah!

The best of the lot, I have never witnessed these longer than age roads reaching their destinations…..!  Too true! There is so much to do in life, be it duties to fulfill or pleasures to experience and never will I be able to finish doing it all. The important part is to not loose sight of the journey itself in my haste to reach at a destination that I probably never will.

Onam 2013

Dear Ashita

There is a lot to be said about life abroad, the level of hygiene, the security, the work life balance, the weather, the discipline (especially in maintaining a queue), the ingrained politeness in each individual you come across and I guess many more things. For the most part, every Indian I think would add financial returns on the top of that list and probably a few more items at the bottom and middle of it. Come a festival though, suddenly the heart yearns to be at home. Notice that abroad is never mentioned as home. We may become US citizens, British passport holders and what not for the benefits they give us but I think the heart still wears the colours of your home country's flag.

Today is Onam, its a festival that every Malayalee celebrates. Its a time to be happy and celebrate. India has its roots in agriculture and villages and so sources of celebration normally comes either with the start of sowing seeds or at the time of harvesting your crop and of course anytime in between when we want to appease the gods for rain, more sun, etc to ensure our crops are healthy and safe from any dangers. To this simple explanation, we normally add the colour of religion and mythology for our amusement.

Being in India would mean your house would have a pookkalam or floral design made freshly every day for 10 days, it would mean new clothes and good food, it would mean your elders sharing stories of how onam was in their days, it would mean malayalee’s who are outside Kerala all trying to reach home in Kerala in time for the celebrations and cousins, uncles, aunts all getting together. Aside from this there would be celebrations in the city and the hum in the air of something special happening. All sound good? It would also mean rains, wet dresses, mud, thronging at the temple to see God, humidity, gastric issues from over eating and a lot of TV watching and movies. There are a lot of things that may not be good in this which I probably am not able to articulate here coz when sitting afar the mind recollects festivals at home, the heart tends to soften the hard/harsh elements in it.

I am quite conscious, that within the sterility of living abroad, you not miss out on the messy, fun, emotional Indian festival experience. So yesterday I took you to an onam get together here in Edinburgh at a rented Town Hall space where there was onam sadhya (feast), live ganamela (music), bharatnatyam (dance form) performance and thiruvathira kali (a dance form associated with onam). The organisers were friends and they did a marvellous job. With music the emotions and the experience came live, with the dance forms the eyes feasted and the food spoke to my soul.

You had your first experience with Matta rice ( commonly called Mota Chawal or Kerala rice), I am glad to say the malayalee in you rose to the occasion and you enjoyed the rice, aivyal, cheru pazham (small banana) and banana chips. Sleep kept beckoning to you coz it was nap time but you couldn’t bear to miss out on the entertainment. The vivid colours and the music seemed to keep you entranced. In my heart I wished with all my might that you grow up to enjoy this culture as much as I do, not be bound to it but to understand it and open your heart to it. I wish and pray that you take a liking for dance and music and learn it for I believe these are essential parts of a culture that bring you closer to it.

I hope as the years pass, you understand that with culture comes an understanding of human mind, emotions and reactions. We, humans, are all I believe essentially the same, some good some evil, but depending on how we have been brought up, the culture we are in, we tend to react differently to situations, we interpret situations differently and we display our emotions differently. I think a truly learned person is one who is able to acknowledge that, not just in words but also with the awareness of what different cultures are and mean. That’s a tall order though and I hope when you grow up you will be grateful for the advantage you have from having parents coming from 2 different cultures.

Happy Onam my darling, I look forward to see how you will embrace this festival and my thoughts here in the years to come. And I will also make a promise that while I cherish you and have dreams for you, I will not thrust them onto you.

Relationships

Relationships are never easy. At the best of times, you end up feeling happy and at a level where you understand the other person. At the worst of times, you feel angry, teary and betrayed. For me I think the key is being understood and being able to understand. Sounds easy? Well it isn't. Let me demonstrate -

When I was 16, TVS scooty was launched, a two wheeler that looked snazzy and was miles ahead of the earlier moped version. It was meant for young females, teenagers basically and was a revolution at the time. In easier terms, at that point in Thrissur, there was a sprinkling of women and girls who were brave enough to drive it and they were the 'HEP - in crowd' people of the time. I remember looking at these 'Hep-ers' with amazement for the concept of riding a two wheeler was scary. Accidents on a 2 wheeler looked more gruesome than the ones on a 4-wheeler.

My father, probably sensed my wariness and admiration for the scooty and offered me a challenge. If I were to learn how to drive it and get a license then he would buy me a scooty. So although I was petrified, the shiny scooty in the showroom seemed to beckon me, the shiny scooty that my friends had seemed to mock me and worst of all the scooty ads on the TV all seemed to be directed at me.

So I mustered up my courage, learnt how to drive it and got my license. 'TA _ DAHHHH!!!' Totally proud of my achievement I waited patiently for my dad to come from Dubai on his vacation and buy me a scooty. Sound simple?

Well it wasn't! The twist was that my dad got cold feet and he went back on his words; he was worried about me having an accident and as a loving father he couldn't bear the thought. Ironical that my dad ended up with the worry that I started off with.

As a parent, I can now appreciate what he meant to do then. All parents go through, this juggle between letting your child make his/her own mistakes, allowing them to grow as an individual and letting go of the protectiveness that wells inside you every time you see your child trip, fall or otherwise get into a bad situation. The balance is fine and I would be lying if I say that its an easy enough line to walk.

As a teenager, I fully hated my dad for going back on his words, it didn't make sense that the person whom you trust implicitly breaks your trust and the explanation didn't pass muster either.

Anyways the long and short was, the episode ended in tears, wails and sense of total let down. My tenacity to not let go meant I did get my scooty but one year after it was promised. My dad felt hurt for he felt I didn't understand his concern (as if I would!!! after all there was a scooty in question you know!)

So as I said relationships are never easy.

Men can be babies!

Dear Ashita, your father has now transitioned into a new role, with the role comes the requirement to work from home all days a week. As soon as I heard about it I thought this is bliss in disguise! I mean to do work from the comforts of your home, manage your work and home on your own turf, do your home chores while you are waiting for a report to come in….. you get the idea.

However, I have since revised my opinion. Every day that goes by Shaiwal seems to grow unkempt, restless and unfocussed. As if the zest in him is slowly but steadily seeping away. Initially all jokes on home working were taken in good humour but recently I find myself controlling my tongue coz I don’t think I would be able to stand the lash out I might get in retaliation.

Your father in sustained bad humour is not a usual occurrence and that worries me. So, I started observing him for a few weeks now and I came to two realisations, nothing ground breaking in fact just the opposite.

Not having a structured disciplined environment is not something everybody can thrive in. In fact the majority of us humans are so used to it, right from a young age – schools, religious places, theatres, offices, gyms, etc….not all of these are often disciplined but there is a structure to it, there are certain rules on the acceptable and expected behaviours and most of all the people you find here are mostly there for the same reason/purpose.

Simply put, Shaiwal misses not having an office to go to, not having a routine which comprises him getting ready for work, having meetings at work, taking breaks, talking to his colleagues, etc….. which leads me to my second realisation

2. We are all social beings and that means not just having the need to interact with your immediate near and dear ones but to go beyond and be able to talk to and observe people from different walks. Working from home takes away a huge opportunity to do just that without having to actively pursue it.

As I said before these are not ground breaking realisations but they did get me thinking in terms of a few lessons from MBA days and I went back to them in my mind. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

[Source: Wikipedia ]

Its all there but while I was being taught this I kept disparaging it as common sense and why does the syllabus include things that don’t need to be taught!’ With ignorance comes bliss and supreme confidence I guess!!

Anyways, so this week am trying to get a home work environment set up for your father and make sure he stops skipping meals and starts breathing properly again. Biggest learning of it all – ‘Men can be such babies’ ;)

P.s – need to make sure Shaiwal doesn’t read this one!!

Dear Ashita,

This is turning out to be quite a sad year for me because Yam dev (the lord of death) seems to have taken a liking to my family. I have lost yet another person, an old aunt. I was not very close to her and yet when she passed away, there was an undeniable sense of loss. A feeling that slowly an era is coming to an end and with that familiar faces disappearing.

Let me introduce you to this aunt of mine, she married my widowed uncle who had 2 children from his first marriage and came to be part of the Kunnathully family. A lady who spoke English with flair, commanded a certain respect by the way she carried herself and made doors open by her sheer confidence. A humble history professor in a parallel college and yet a woman with a strong network in society.

It’s always baffled me why she chose to marry a widower and someone who didn’t have half the sophistication that she seemed to carry. As a child I would just watch her speak coz she used to be able to carry on a conversation by herself with not so much of a peep from the other person. And she would do it quite entertainingly. She was the sort who would breeze her way through the queue and hold any grumblers at bay with her confidence, command over the English language and her audacity.

She passed away in a hospital with no family near her and a lone home nurse for care. She has a biological son, two step children and many grandchildren. Yet the days close to her death she lay as an orphan would, albeit a financially comfortable orphan.

I feel pained, my moral sense feels violated but more than all that I feel confused. Did she deserve to die alone? Was there a face to her which she had with her family that turned them against her? Was it the materialistic circumstances of this world?

I don’t know…….but I keep thinking back to those times when I dropped in at her home and she would be busily preparing a choice dish for one of her grandchildren or she would be writing a letter to her son ……many little things that are so invaluable and yet failed to ensure that she have dignity in death of being surrounded by loved ones.

I wonder what life is all about, Ashi……….I wish I had a hand to guide me through my confusion, to make me understand the cruelties I see……..a hand that I had …….a hand that was taken away……

Magic of words

Dear Ashita,

There are many things in life that impress me - ambition, people, sacrifices, success, failure, music, nature, history, historical monuments or sites, nations, etc and the list is long. However one thing that has continually kept me spell bound and always leaves a mark is WORDS - plain, simple words stringed together in a manner that they inspire emotions, feelings and thoughts in different people from different walks of life in different ways.

The ability to actually put thought and emotion into the right words and inspire the same feeling and more from the recipient is an art in itself. To my mind this ability comes from those who embrace emotions, go through different experiences in life and are sensitive observant individuals.

I inherited this love from my father. There have been many moments when I have heard him speak and wanted to be exactly like that - to be able to influence people and to amaze them with words. I have been lucky that your father shares the same appreciation for words and he has introduced me to the world of ‘shayari.’ Whenever I see him getting overwhelmed and emotional from ghazals and then immediately wanting to make sure that I understand that magic I feel content.

My dad used to sprinkle Sanskrit/Malayalam sayings/lines from poetry in his speech to express his feelings in a situation and I would continuously pull his leg about it that he would do it just to overwhelm the other person and get them to be more favourably disposed towards whatever he was suggesting at that time. J

Every time I could unfailingly see the words wielding its power.

Sharing with you a few choice ones which are my favorites -

Kapada lokathil aalmarthum aaya oru hridayam undaayathu enn parajayam



"My failure is in having a sincere heart in this world of hypocrisy."

A line written by the famous malayalam poet Changampuzha and is engraved on his tomb as well. I think at some stage or the other when you come across situations where despite the best of intentions things fall apart there are no more apt or truer words than these.

2.      A poem that daddy taught me which has always moved me

Illenikyu aavilya daivumme              I can never my dear god

nin meniyil poo mala chaarthuvaan       put a garland on thy body

malakal yere njan korthuvengillum       many a garland have I made

mohum safalum aayillya          and yet never have I accomplished my yearning

This is the story of a poor lady who ekes a living from making fresh flower garlands in the temple. For years she has served the temple goers with her garlands and with the meagre earnings she makes she tries to feed her family. For years she has wanted to be able to garland the lord herself. As youth gives way to middle age and then decrepit old age, she decides one day that come what may I will endure my poverty and my hunger and that of my loved ones for today but with these left over flowers which none of my customers wanted let me make a garland for the lord and let me adorn him with it. With trembling fingers she makes the garland and approaches the gods statue with all the eagerness of the years of yearning. ‘Clunck’ with the sound of a coin being tossed in her platter she sees her garland taken by another and the lord adorned with it. With tears in her eyes for having come so close and yet been so far she utters the lines above.

3.      A Book of Verses underneath the Bough, a Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread--and Thou

The famous words by Omar Khayyam and who cannot relate to these! These need no introduction no explanation and their impact as profound as from the time they were uttered.

4.      Ellavarum cholli njannu na kallum malayum chuttiyapol ennikyum thonni njannu na

‘Everyone says I am looking good, after putting on stones and jewellery I thought so too’

A bit of folk songs that the ladies working the farms used to sing to each other in my dad’s village. It has all the simplicity and innocence of our villages and none of the artifice of our cities

5.      Aham chintaye daivum anyatra chintaye

Towards the end this was his most favorite line, its in sanskrit and it is the equivalent of the english saying – Man Proposes God Disposes.

Phoenix

Dear Ashi, the darkest hour of my life to date has passed and as I strive for the mental strength to stop reeling from the impact of it, I feel lost and confused. I am essentially a very private person when it comes to sorrow for my first reaction is to curl up into a ball and shut out the world. So the only reason I am writing this is for you.

I walk around completely normal, engage in conversations, laughter and work and play as if nothing has happened and every other moment it hits me that my father is no more. As if in the musical chairs of life, my father got out in the last round, the music has started up again and I am going through the motions but I am searching for him and I can’t find him.

In life there are many relationships that you will form and each will have its own importance. The closeness or the joy you get from that relationship is up to yourself and the other person but when you lose that relationship there will be a void in life. For no one person can replace another. Be it friends, be it grandparents, be it siblings, be it whomever you come across.

Difficult for me to write about this phase in my life but I want you to know that you are a huge relief! Whenever I cry you get alarmed and come and hug me. A sense of wonderment fills me when I think how such a small child can reach out and console. You push me to be normal for two reasons, one I don’t want to worry you and have you in tears and two because that makes me realise that neither would my daddy have wanted me to be in tears.

It hurts and it hurts badly. Every time that I think of the time I have on this earth and without his hands to guide me through it. Every time that I start wondering how he is and what life is after death. Every time that I think daddy wasn’t ready to say good bye and neither were we and never would we have been ready. Every time that I realise that I won’t hear his voice again or have his hug. Every time that I think that you will never get to know my dad. Every time……every minute….every hour…..

I feel angry and there are times when I just want to lash out. Times when I feel as if my head is ready to burst because I can’t figure out emotionally why my father was taken away from me. Times when I think sanity will need to bow to my trauma and if there is a way to take this gnawing wound away then show it to me GOD!!!

Your father has been my shining light through it all with his patience and understanding. I don’t know if I could be like that if the roles were reversed but he helps so much by not asking by not prodding but by just silently holding my hand through this difficult time.

I just want to tell you my dear daughter that I am sorry but there will be a time when I will be gone, not because I wanted to but because I had to. I know you will go through these same emotions but I hope you will show better mental strength than I have and always realise whether I am with you or not, the times we spent together, the love and laughter we have shared, the life we have experienced together can never be taken away.

2013

Its 2013, a new year, new beginnings and a new dawn. So what are some of the things on the top of my mind as I start this year.

A very dear friend of mine whom I had sort of in the back of my mind lost hope for has gone ahead and surprised me by announcing his marriage. I truly was on the verge of giving up hope on that happening and every time I thought about it I was saddened. I know it’s a big step for him something awaited something dreaded and I wish him all the happiness in life in this new exciting chapter of his.

With that news coming in I have in my mind termed 2013 to be a year of happy surprises…probably miracles.

Another bit of happy news I am thrilled over is the expected arrival of a baby during the 1^st quarter of this year…NOT ME…..hehehhe…..but for another close friend of mine. Its been an absolutely wonderful time seeing her go through her pregnancy and mentally holding her hands and sharing my experience. If we had the concept of godmother’s more prevalent in India then she would be the godmother I would choose for Ashita.

So that’s news on actual incidents yet to happen this year, however for things that have not materialised ……yet! Shall I term that as my wish-list for 2013.

• I hope that my brother decides to settle down and gets married this year. My most fervent prayer right now however it should happen with his complete agreement and happiness.
• My dad is on his feet and able to maintain a healthy lifestyle in all senses of that word.
• Loose weight….i wonder if there will ever be a year in my life when I have not started the year with resolution to loose weight and become thin and lean. I guess this is one wish I may very well carry to my grave and thereafter return from the netherworld to haunt skinny humans for.
• I wish to be working all through the year and not have any gaps on my resume. This has nothing to do with being career oriented and all to do with bank balances.
• To learn something new…..this one is a bit tricky…..last year I was trying to learn something new and what I ended up doing is I learnt swimming and although I haven’t mastered it I can now officially swim. However that was before I started working so wondering what will be possible for this year. Need to give this one some thought...

I wonder what all my friends are doing and thinking. Anyways hope each and everyone has a great year ahead.