Nursery days

My dearest daughter I have joined office and I miss you every single moment of sitting at office. Well, let me start at the beginning.

       Every day we wake up by around 6 AM and i must say that invariably you wake your parents rather than the other way around. I am also releived and feel blessed that you are a happy person, something I freely admit that I am not. Me I wake up grumpy as a bear, YOU, you wake up singing like the robin.

       Anyways, after a mad dash to get breakfast ready, you fed, bather and clothed and then the same for me. I hand you over to your dad and say good bye to make my way to my office. Some days you wave me off with a smile and I go with just a faint pull on my heart. I keep leaning at the stairs to catch that last glimpse of your smiling face. Sometimes you give me a frown when I say bye and I dash down the stairs so that you dont see me crying and then end up wiping my tears all the way to the bus stop.

      All through my bus ride and then the 15 min walk to office I start to compose myself for the day ahead at work. I reach office and your dad normally gives me a call within 10 mins to say he's dropped you off at the nursery and you went smiling to your favourite staff there whose name is Noreen.

       Noreen by the way is the only Asian member of staff at your nursery and I wonder if you like her perhaps because she reminds you of me. Anyways, I feel so happy to hear you went smiling at the nursery and a part of me gets a bit jealous that someone else is enjoying your smiles and hugs during the day.

      As soon as I finish work I start running. My office is at the bottom of a very steeply inclined street. Walking up in a monstrous task by the end of which my legs are straining. Sure enough your dad calls and checks where I am and agrees to meet me half way so that I may have the pleasure of picking you up from your nursery. Your dad could actually be there before me since his office is closer but I do make him wait for me because I want to be the one who gets to whoop you around as you get picked from the nursery.

      The two of us together run to your nursery and while your dad sets up the pram, I tip toe into your nursery room and for a minute just stand there looking at you. Normally I find you sitting on someone's knee, playing a game or crawling up and down. You are also quite tired from all the play by the time I come to pick you. After a moment I call to you and as soon as you see me you put out your arms to be picked by me and give a small wail. I rush to comply and when I have you in my arms and have hugged you and showered you with my kisses, you quieten down and just gurgle happily at the rest of the kids in the nursery.

       The staff then normally gives me a daily information  sheet which tells me what you ate during the day, how much milk you drank, what activities you did during the day (bubbles, treasure basket, swing, went for a walk, songs, nursery rhymes, etc), how many times your nappy was changed and how many times did you nap and for how long.

        After that we do a quick good bye and I get you to your waiting dad and pram. You are happy to see dad but not to be seated in the pram. Its always a tussle trying to buckle you into your pram and I bribe you with baby organic biscuits to keep you happy and rush you home.

        At home, we drop everything and just sit and play with you. Gone are those days when tea was the first thing on the itinerary after work and at home. Just sitting with you , seeing you smile and tyring to talk your language.......bliss it is.

        You go to bed by 8 PM every night, invariably your dad sleeps off with you listening to my lullabies and I fall asleep looking at the two sleeping faces beside me. Good night my princess.

My Baby

There have been quite a few times in the recent months when I have thought about posting on my blog. Yet each time I never followed up the thought with action since I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say and how.

Today though after months of hibernation I finally realized that all I want to talk about is my daughter and whom I want to say it all to - is my daughter. Perhaps years later when my daughter reads this blog and its posts she may identify with me not as a mummy but as a woman and how I felt during different times. So, here goes -

Ashita, you are now a few days to go to be a 9 month old and you are truly the apple of my eye. Every time someone stops me on the street to gush over you m chest swells up with pride. Every time you smile sheepishly after I have scolded you, its as if someone reached in and squeezed my heart. J

These days you are trying to balance yourself on your legs and although I do adore your attempts, I must admit I am not too happy when you attempt it while bathing!! Your table manners have much to be desired, since you invariably end up spitting most of it once your tummy is full.

You know what, It’s been more than a year since I last went to work. A year when I have blissfully wallowed in pregnancy and then motherhood. So it was with mixed emotions that I received the news that I cracked a job interview and got an offer. I am to join work in a month’s time.

That is the reason I hug you tighter and hold you longer these days. That is also the reason why we are visiting nurseries these days, which has other kids your age and which I am evaluating. Although to be truthful every nursery we have been to so far you seem to be enjoying the experience. I have a feeling that when the time comes for you to be put into day care one of us will be wailing our heart out and its not going to be you.

Love you, my baby.

My Angel

I don’t suppose anyone is going to be the least interested in this blog update of mine. However, I wanted to jot this down before time entirely dims out this particular remembrance of mine.

Before I embarked on my 9 month journey and indeed many a time during the journey itself, I had enquired to quite a few members of my sex about the actual labor process. It quite irritated me then that I got vague responses, felt as if there was a conspiracy. What astounded me then was that how come all the women participated in this conspiracy, irrespective of age, caste, creed or financial position? What unseen power bound these women to secrecy?

Now that I myself have been through labor, I finally can say that tomorrow if anyone were to ask me about it, I would perhaps give the same vague answers that I was recipient of earlier.

Okay let me go through this step by step rather than jumping the gun, shall I? I had a c-section done and while I am definitely not going into the intricacies of it, I would like to say that before this one instance, a tetanus injection was the most painful interaction I had had with respect to hospitals and allopathic healing methods. Being wheeled into the labor room on the fateful day, brought to my mind all those movies where the bulb placed above the words ‘OPERATION THEATRE’ would ominously light up with dramatic background music. While on the operation table itself, I had the misfortune of looking up and finding the proverbial huge light placed right above. Hmm…..well it wasn’t the best of situations to be in and the nurses and docs all donned in green overalls with their face masks on weren’t helping to lighten the atmosphere other.

The two low points of the entire situation was one while I was being given anesthesia and two when the affects of anesthesia had worn off.  To have someone poke you with a needle somewhere along your spine is definitely not my cup of tea. Once the anesthesia had worn off and I started feeling the aftermath of c-section, I recall thinking to myself that I could happily murder all those women who chose not to warn me of what actually happens. It’s definitely not a joy ride then and I was wondering to myself why women voluntarily embark on it anyways!!!

However, I also, vividly recall the moment my bundle of joy appeared and my first view of her.  Every passing moment thereafter, I have looked into her sleeping face and felt indescribable tender vulnerable feelings.

The memory of labor itself is fading into the background, instead time now seems to have started from the moment she was born and not anytime before. My 9 months of pregnancy seems to be a thing from the distant past and my angel, my only reality of my present and future.

My apologies to all those women who are yet to embark on this journey and may at some point in future come to me to enquire about it. It is not my wish to hide what happens but rather the clichéd sentiment that once I saw my baby I forgot everything else that will make me give you vague answers.

Friends are the relatives you choose for yourself

As is the case of many a malayalee family, my initial growing years were in Dubai. Sometimes I think of that place as a district within the state of Kerala. For all that we mallu’s have friends and family there.

India was a place we visited for two months every year; a place where my father and mother yearned to be but due to economic constraints had chosen not to stay in. Every year during school vacations we would land in my father’s house for a month and my mother’s house for another month. In each of these places my brother and I would be paraded amongst relatives who would collect around and ooh and aah on how much we have grown since the last time. Once the oohs and aahs would quiet down, then the game on ‘do you remember me?’ would start.  My mother’s family was easier to satisfy as they stayed in the town and hence not too nearby so it wasn’t a daily parade and also they were less fertile, hence not too many cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. My dad’s family was another case altogether. His family stayed in the village so all of them had houses that were literally in each other’s pocket and each house had at least 7-8 children to boast of.

They were all nice people, however, every time I would start getting comfortable it would be time to return. So although they were my relatives I felt like a stranger amidst them; people whom I had to be on my best behavior with.

On the other hand in Dubai my father had this group of friends; all malayalee’s who would meet every Friday at one person’s house or the other. The gents would discuss their week at work, their dreams of the future and of course get tipsy. Their wife’s’ would all get together and gossip about how gold prices were going higher and how in the marriage market dowry demands were increasing. The children would be creating a racket and trying to break whatever valuables were available and within hand’s reach. There were about 10 families altogether and since we met every week we were quite familiar with each other. These were people who had seen me at my worst and I them.

Human nature rarely remains hidden after such extended exposure so I had the entire gamut, jealous aunts, comic uncles, generous ones, stingy ones, popular ones and the unpopular ones. I didn’t realize it then but as I grew up it felt more as if they were family than my actual relatives. When I got married, aside from my parents there were two uncle’s and their wife’s whose feet I touched for in my mind they were not lesser than a chacha/ cheriyachan or cheriyamma/ mausi.

One of the uncle’s in that group, a person whom I have deep regard for, passed away unexpectedly last week. He was 60 years and it was a heart attack. Hale and hearty one day and gone the next. I had met him a month back when he and his wife had come to give me some home made sweets and savories. A simple person who was always there in my childhood, someone whom I hadn’t had deep conversations with but nevertheless had always sought out for his soothing presence. I deeply mourn his death and pray for strength for his family.

Perhaps blood is thicker than water but i feel relations are deeper and richer for the emotional investment you have put into them. 

Vishu Aashumsagal.

I remember writing about vishu in UK last year and its already been a year since then…..i must say time has flown in between. Anyways this year vishu with my parents and brother has started off awesome. After all the house cleaning and cooking, my mum and I are finally sitting down. Before I hand myself over to the long list of new movies that are being screened on TV today I thought I would update my blog.

Wish each of you readers (not that there are very many :) ) a very happy vishu. I hope the coming year finds you in good cheer, prosperity and joy.

I did manage to get a triple XL size salwar khameez for myself so I have new clothes to wear too. I had seriously lost hope of finding anything new when I went shopping but mother fortune smiles on the persistent ones. :)

I am not sure what the rest of my mallu brothers and sisters are doing but I plan on LAZING…..not that I had strenuous  times these past few months. There is something about good food and new movies that means that you laze in front of the TV. :)

Have a great year ahead friends. 

Mummy-to-be Musings

One of the things I keep thinking about these days is that, I am not exactly brimming with maternal feelings. Wait, I don’t suppose I am making any sense, am I?

A little bit of background I guess would be good. Well, to begin with, my exposure to kids of all ages have been quite limited. Not too many younger cousins and even when they were really young I was satisfied doing baby talk and making baby faces from a distance. As long as the kid was in the arms of its mom or someone elder I was happy to try and make brief contact. I like kids who are a bit older and have a lot of questions to ask but the ones who are yet to come out of the alien-speak stage, well…..as the saying goes…..distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder.

Getting educated, getting a job, getting married and then having kids….the prescribed path for all Indian women and since I am no rebel I am sticking to that path myself. So, I have ticked off the first three on the list and am well on my way to tick off the next item.

The only thing is having lived 30 odd years of a selfish life where I have had primarily to take care of myself alone, I am now entering a stage where every one around me seems to think that just by virtue of being a mom I will of course be the best person to know exactly how to care for my baby. Hmmm…..that’s HUGE.

So, there is this tiny little life growing inside me, kicking me ever so often who will suddenly pop out one day and turn my life upside down. Through it all I am supposed to be some Midwife who from day 1 not only knows how to change diapers and bathe the baby but also by the way the tiny life breathes is able to identify if something is not quite right internally!! Half the time I read about women who enter into motherhood with peace and calm, before the baby comes out they hug their tummies to themselves and sing lullaby’s to the baby. Whereas I keep wondering about mundane stuff like, what can I eat next? If I manage to pop one more pillow behind me, can I lie on my back? Will my tummy keep stretching or will it burst at one point? And last but not least I tell my child – ‘buddy you keep hitting me now but I reckon there will be a day for payback, so watch it!!’ I don't suppose i would qualify for those mothercare ad's, would I? 

Hmmm….. so where are all those maternal feelings I am supposed to be bombarded with right now? 

Envy

That’s not an emotion I like to entertain but then there has been one friend of mine whom I have been envious of for quite a few years now. Its been a standing emotion as pertains to my feelings towards him and its never gone away.

We were batch-mates for degree, studying three years in the same college, part of the same extended group that hung out together. After degree, as commonly happens, our group went different ways in search of our own places in society. My search took me to Chennai to do my MBA and subsequently pursue my career there. His search took him to Coimbatore which is only 3 hours from my home town Thrissur, where he completed his MBA as well. The only difference was that he chose to get a job which posted him back to our home town. Our common group of friends, including myself, felt it was not a good career move that he had decided on. Don’t get me wrong, I love Thrissur, its my home town and I appreciate it for a lot of things. Career prospects, however, is not amongst the many things I like Thrissur for.

While the rest of us were experiencing new adventures of striking out on our own, molding our personalities to incorporate city sophistication and learning the power of earning (read spending) salaries on stuff you don’t get to do or buy in Thrissur, he was still back at home and we felt missing out on life.

How naïve we tend to be? Once the metro glamour started wearing thin and rose spectacles started to come off, we started to notice smaller things. The unavailability of home cooked food, no mum to take care of you when you fell sick, working much longer hours, body starting to complain about the abuse it was being subjected to, long travels on a daily basis just to reach place of work………Despite all these things nagging me, I still managed to convince myself that I did have the best deal yet. After all who was earning more? I wasn’t sure if I was, actually, however, since I was in a metro and he in a B/C city I felt logically it had to be me. Gloom befell me, when I started thinking in terms of savings and not earnings. My superiority complex soon translated itself into the reverse.

Self realization is not all that it’s cut out to be. Perhaps my experiences and the exposures I have been lucky to have are an asset which I can’t express in any physical countable terms but somehow when I compare my lifestyle to his, I sometimes feel that I wouldn’t mind trading in those things for the simple yet wholesome life he is leading today.

I recently phoned him up to say I was in town and to check how he is doing. Quite busy these days, since he is on the organizing committee for an all Kerala cricket tournament to be held in Thrissur next month. He did share with me two personal philosophies of life –

1. He refuses to get anxious about career growth, do your work well within the office hours and leave office tensions at workplace…….. 

2. Be involved in sports, it keeps your mind and body young so much so that your attitude towards life remains young as well.

Simple philosophies and yet leads to a much happier life I think.