Men can be babies!

Dear Ashita, your father has now transitioned into a new role, with the role comes the requirement to work from home all days a week. As soon as I heard about it I thought this is bliss in disguise! I mean to do work from the comforts of your home, manage your work and home on your own turf, do your home chores while you are waiting for a report to come in….. you get the idea.

However, I have since revised my opinion. Every day that goes by Shaiwal seems to grow unkempt, restless and unfocussed. As if the zest in him is slowly but steadily seeping away. Initially all jokes on home working were taken in good humour but recently I find myself controlling my tongue coz I don’t think I would be able to stand the lash out I might get in retaliation.

Your father in sustained bad humour is not a usual occurrence and that worries me. So, I started observing him for a few weeks now and I came to two realisations, nothing ground breaking in fact just the opposite.

Not having a structured disciplined environment is not something everybody can thrive in. In fact the majority of us humans are so used to it, right from a young age – schools, religious places, theatres, offices, gyms, etc….not all of these are often disciplined but there is a structure to it, there are certain rules on the acceptable and expected behaviours and most of all the people you find here are mostly there for the same reason/purpose.

Simply put, Shaiwal misses not having an office to go to, not having a routine which comprises him getting ready for work, having meetings at work, taking breaks, talking to his colleagues, etc….. which leads me to my second realisation

2. We are all social beings and that means not just having the need to interact with your immediate near and dear ones but to go beyond and be able to talk to and observe people from different walks. Working from home takes away a huge opportunity to do just that without having to actively pursue it.

As I said before these are not ground breaking realisations but they did get me thinking in terms of a few lessons from MBA days and I went back to them in my mind. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

[Source: Wikipedia ]

Its all there but while I was being taught this I kept disparaging it as common sense and why does the syllabus include things that don’t need to be taught!’ With ignorance comes bliss and supreme confidence I guess!!

Anyways, so this week am trying to get a home work environment set up for your father and make sure he stops skipping meals and starts breathing properly again. Biggest learning of it all – ‘Men can be such babies’ ;)

P.s – need to make sure Shaiwal doesn’t read this one!!

Dear Ashita,

This is turning out to be quite a sad year for me because Yam dev (the lord of death) seems to have taken a liking to my family. I have lost yet another person, an old aunt. I was not very close to her and yet when she passed away, there was an undeniable sense of loss. A feeling that slowly an era is coming to an end and with that familiar faces disappearing.

Let me introduce you to this aunt of mine, she married my widowed uncle who had 2 children from his first marriage and came to be part of the Kunnathully family. A lady who spoke English with flair, commanded a certain respect by the way she carried herself and made doors open by her sheer confidence. A humble history professor in a parallel college and yet a woman with a strong network in society.

It’s always baffled me why she chose to marry a widower and someone who didn’t have half the sophistication that she seemed to carry. As a child I would just watch her speak coz she used to be able to carry on a conversation by herself with not so much of a peep from the other person. And she would do it quite entertainingly. She was the sort who would breeze her way through the queue and hold any grumblers at bay with her confidence, command over the English language and her audacity.

She passed away in a hospital with no family near her and a lone home nurse for care. She has a biological son, two step children and many grandchildren. Yet the days close to her death she lay as an orphan would, albeit a financially comfortable orphan.

I feel pained, my moral sense feels violated but more than all that I feel confused. Did she deserve to die alone? Was there a face to her which she had with her family that turned them against her? Was it the materialistic circumstances of this world?

I don’t know…….but I keep thinking back to those times when I dropped in at her home and she would be busily preparing a choice dish for one of her grandchildren or she would be writing a letter to her son ……many little things that are so invaluable and yet failed to ensure that she have dignity in death of being surrounded by loved ones.

I wonder what life is all about, Ashi……….I wish I had a hand to guide me through my confusion, to make me understand the cruelties I see……..a hand that I had …….a hand that was taken away……

Magic of words

Dear Ashita,

There are many things in life that impress me - ambition, people, sacrifices, success, failure, music, nature, history, historical monuments or sites, nations, etc and the list is long. However one thing that has continually kept me spell bound and always leaves a mark is WORDS - plain, simple words stringed together in a manner that they inspire emotions, feelings and thoughts in different people from different walks of life in different ways.

The ability to actually put thought and emotion into the right words and inspire the same feeling and more from the recipient is an art in itself. To my mind this ability comes from those who embrace emotions, go through different experiences in life and are sensitive observant individuals.

I inherited this love from my father. There have been many moments when I have heard him speak and wanted to be exactly like that - to be able to influence people and to amaze them with words. I have been lucky that your father shares the same appreciation for words and he has introduced me to the world of ‘shayari.’ Whenever I see him getting overwhelmed and emotional from ghazals and then immediately wanting to make sure that I understand that magic I feel content.

My dad used to sprinkle Sanskrit/Malayalam sayings/lines from poetry in his speech to express his feelings in a situation and I would continuously pull his leg about it that he would do it just to overwhelm the other person and get them to be more favourably disposed towards whatever he was suggesting at that time. J

Every time I could unfailingly see the words wielding its power.

Sharing with you a few choice ones which are my favorites -

Kapada lokathil aalmarthum aaya oru hridayam undaayathu enn parajayam



"My failure is in having a sincere heart in this world of hypocrisy."

A line written by the famous malayalam poet Changampuzha and is engraved on his tomb as well. I think at some stage or the other when you come across situations where despite the best of intentions things fall apart there are no more apt or truer words than these.

2.      A poem that daddy taught me which has always moved me

Illenikyu aavilya daivumme              I can never my dear god

nin meniyil poo mala chaarthuvaan       put a garland on thy body

malakal yere njan korthuvengillum       many a garland have I made

mohum safalum aayillya          and yet never have I accomplished my yearning

This is the story of a poor lady who ekes a living from making fresh flower garlands in the temple. For years she has served the temple goers with her garlands and with the meagre earnings she makes she tries to feed her family. For years she has wanted to be able to garland the lord herself. As youth gives way to middle age and then decrepit old age, she decides one day that come what may I will endure my poverty and my hunger and that of my loved ones for today but with these left over flowers which none of my customers wanted let me make a garland for the lord and let me adorn him with it. With trembling fingers she makes the garland and approaches the gods statue with all the eagerness of the years of yearning. ‘Clunck’ with the sound of a coin being tossed in her platter she sees her garland taken by another and the lord adorned with it. With tears in her eyes for having come so close and yet been so far she utters the lines above.

3.      A Book of Verses underneath the Bough, a Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread--and Thou

The famous words by Omar Khayyam and who cannot relate to these! These need no introduction no explanation and their impact as profound as from the time they were uttered.

4.      Ellavarum cholli njannu na kallum malayum chuttiyapol ennikyum thonni njannu na

‘Everyone says I am looking good, after putting on stones and jewellery I thought so too’

A bit of folk songs that the ladies working the farms used to sing to each other in my dad’s village. It has all the simplicity and innocence of our villages and none of the artifice of our cities

5.      Aham chintaye daivum anyatra chintaye

Towards the end this was his most favorite line, its in sanskrit and it is the equivalent of the english saying – Man Proposes God Disposes.

Phoenix

Dear Ashi, the darkest hour of my life to date has passed and as I strive for the mental strength to stop reeling from the impact of it, I feel lost and confused. I am essentially a very private person when it comes to sorrow for my first reaction is to curl up into a ball and shut out the world. So the only reason I am writing this is for you.

I walk around completely normal, engage in conversations, laughter and work and play as if nothing has happened and every other moment it hits me that my father is no more. As if in the musical chairs of life, my father got out in the last round, the music has started up again and I am going through the motions but I am searching for him and I can’t find him.

In life there are many relationships that you will form and each will have its own importance. The closeness or the joy you get from that relationship is up to yourself and the other person but when you lose that relationship there will be a void in life. For no one person can replace another. Be it friends, be it grandparents, be it siblings, be it whomever you come across.

Difficult for me to write about this phase in my life but I want you to know that you are a huge relief! Whenever I cry you get alarmed and come and hug me. A sense of wonderment fills me when I think how such a small child can reach out and console. You push me to be normal for two reasons, one I don’t want to worry you and have you in tears and two because that makes me realise that neither would my daddy have wanted me to be in tears.

It hurts and it hurts badly. Every time that I think of the time I have on this earth and without his hands to guide me through it. Every time that I start wondering how he is and what life is after death. Every time that I think daddy wasn’t ready to say good bye and neither were we and never would we have been ready. Every time that I realise that I won’t hear his voice again or have his hug. Every time that I think that you will never get to know my dad. Every time……every minute….every hour…..

I feel angry and there are times when I just want to lash out. Times when I feel as if my head is ready to burst because I can’t figure out emotionally why my father was taken away from me. Times when I think sanity will need to bow to my trauma and if there is a way to take this gnawing wound away then show it to me GOD!!!

Your father has been my shining light through it all with his patience and understanding. I don’t know if I could be like that if the roles were reversed but he helps so much by not asking by not prodding but by just silently holding my hand through this difficult time.

I just want to tell you my dear daughter that I am sorry but there will be a time when I will be gone, not because I wanted to but because I had to. I know you will go through these same emotions but I hope you will show better mental strength than I have and always realise whether I am with you or not, the times we spent together, the love and laughter we have shared, the life we have experienced together can never be taken away.

2013

Its 2013, a new year, new beginnings and a new dawn. So what are some of the things on the top of my mind as I start this year.

A very dear friend of mine whom I had sort of in the back of my mind lost hope for has gone ahead and surprised me by announcing his marriage. I truly was on the verge of giving up hope on that happening and every time I thought about it I was saddened. I know it’s a big step for him something awaited something dreaded and I wish him all the happiness in life in this new exciting chapter of his.

With that news coming in I have in my mind termed 2013 to be a year of happy surprises…probably miracles.

Another bit of happy news I am thrilled over is the expected arrival of a baby during the 1^st quarter of this year…NOT ME…..hehehhe…..but for another close friend of mine. Its been an absolutely wonderful time seeing her go through her pregnancy and mentally holding her hands and sharing my experience. If we had the concept of godmother’s more prevalent in India then she would be the godmother I would choose for Ashita.

So that’s news on actual incidents yet to happen this year, however for things that have not materialised ……yet! Shall I term that as my wish-list for 2013.

• I hope that my brother decides to settle down and gets married this year. My most fervent prayer right now however it should happen with his complete agreement and happiness.
• My dad is on his feet and able to maintain a healthy lifestyle in all senses of that word.
• Loose weight….i wonder if there will ever be a year in my life when I have not started the year with resolution to loose weight and become thin and lean. I guess this is one wish I may very well carry to my grave and thereafter return from the netherworld to haunt skinny humans for.
• I wish to be working all through the year and not have any gaps on my resume. This has nothing to do with being career oriented and all to do with bank balances.
• To learn something new…..this one is a bit tricky…..last year I was trying to learn something new and what I ended up doing is I learnt swimming and although I haven’t mastered it I can now officially swim. However that was before I started working so wondering what will be possible for this year. Need to give this one some thought...

I wonder what all my friends are doing and thinking. Anyways hope each and everyone has a great year ahead.

My Dad - Part II

Dear Ashi, continuing from where I left off last time, let me cut to the chase. My dad’s not well and hasn’t been for several months now. I won’t go into the medical reasons of his condition but I do want to share with you the anguish I feel right now.

Its difficult to watch the body being eaten away by disease and that is precisely what it does. From the booming voice and laughter that characterizes my dad I now have to see a frail person with no energy to speak. His cheeks have sunk in and his eyes keep fluttering in and out of consciousness. Doctors assure me that this is just a temporary phase and that things will improve. This phase though however temporary is quite painful, to watch yes but much more so to undergo. His arms have blood clots from poked it with so many needles so many times, he isn’t able to swallow as the skin in his mouth has peeled away leaving traces of blood……..

My dad is 69 and by today’s standards that’s not old yet. I know we can expect a full recovery although it will take time to reach that. Logically all the facts and the doctor’s statements tally but emotionally every minute I am with him I just feel like breaking down and crying.  I keep searching in my mind what could be the reasons for this situation but frankly speaking there is no one thing I can point my finger at. Where logic fails reasoning goes out of the window and faith starts to make its way in, for me faith is what gives me strength to face circumstances. So increasingly I turn to god.

I have been now with my dad for 3 weeks and I haven’t yet had a good talk with him because the times he is lucid is few and far between. I guess one thing that is mostly true for all daughters is that we are daddy’s pet and when the chips fall its our dad’s who normally give us a good heart to heart and let us know that things will be okay. It is also our dad’s who make us feel protected and secure the most. I am sure you will be no different my dear and blessed are you for having that cherished relationship.

Before I finish off I want to share one last thing. You are now 16 months old and yet to start speaking, you babble words now but you do understand most of what we speak. Every day you accompany me to the hospital. Every day you bring the light back into your grandfather’s eyes with your antics. Sometimes you give him a handshake, sometimes a smile, sometimes a flying kiss and sometimes just a touch of your cheek and with each interaction with you he brightens up which lifts my heart. Your presence motivates him and for that I am grateful. Thank you my darling.

My Dad

My dear daughter, you are much too young now to understand what I have to say and what I am going through. Unfortunately, I know that you will in the future be in the same place and perhaps then when you read this blog of mine it will make sense to you.

Every child’s hero is his/her dad and I am no exception. I am not blind to my dad’s faults and there are very many at that but I know objectively when I look at him there is respect and a sort of reverence that he commands. It comes from him being a self made man. A term quite exhaustively used in this day and age so let me qualify that. My dad, the eldest son of a young widow has seen life’s ups and downs from a young age. His father’s death quite literally plunged the family into debt and hard times. Difficult to meet ends nonetheless my granny had high hopes for her eldest, despite all hardships she made sure he finished his college education. These were times when value of education hadn’t quite caught up and people in mallu land were going to other states and countries seeking a livelihood after completing their matriculation (10^th standard). Well my granny made sure he completed his graduation and the day he got the degree in hand he was on the evening train to Mumbai to try and get a job. At the age of 21 he reached Mumbai with scant knowledge of Hindi and little or no grasp of verbal English. However through sheer desperation and perseverance he got a job in Bank of India. During the next 11 years he rose to the rank of Foreign exchange manager and he along the way accumulated degrees in law, human resources, finance, etc through evening college. Although he could have rested on his laurels and led a comfortable life thereon, he was still spurred to make money and reach more heights career-wise. With a wife and a 2 yr old son in tow, he decided to risk it all by quitting his job at the bank and catching the next flight to Dubai. People around him declared him mad to be running after what was akin to the Gold Rush. My granny being foremost! Well the rest is a story for another day.

Right now you are sitting on my knee and refusing to allow me to continue this blog. I don’t want you to cry my baby so I will stop for now and come back to this story when you are asleep.

Love you my daughter. Just remember that there are hard truths in life and I would rather you be aware of them than be sheltered from them.  So when there are times when you find me being strict or hard please know that it is with a heavy heart I am being so.